I hate to love you
by noideagirl
Summary: Have you ever hated someone so much that you can't stand to be around them? You hated them so much it made you feel sick? You hated them so much that you wanted to wipe all traces of them from the world? Well I have. LEJP Rated for violence Oneshot


Disclaimer: Any recognisable characters are owned by J. K. Rowling (except Lily's friends Katie and Susan who are from my other stories).

* * *

Have you ever hated someone so much that you can't stand to be around them?

That you couldn't stand to see them. You hated to hear their voice?

You hated them so much it made you feel sick?

You hated them so much that you wanted to wipe all traces of them from the world?

Yet, at the same time, the idea of never seeing them again, not hearing their voice, made you feel like dying?

You wanted them to be around forever?

You wanted to always remember them?

Have you ever loved somebody so much that you couldn't help but hate them?

No?

Well I have.

His name was James Potter.

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It was just any other day of our sixth year. It was breakfast time, I was seating with my friends; Alice, Katie, Susan, chatting away about what we wanted to do when the holidays finally came.

There was a sort of dull silence in the Great Hall; not an actual silence, too many people were speaking to their friends for silence, but there was an almost muted edge to all conversations.

I remember wondering why, why the volume seemed to have been turned down for me; I swear no one else noticed it.

And then that laugh, the laugh that I hated, the laugh that caused shivers to run down my back, echoed through the hall.

I looked, angered by the interruption of my conversation, to the culprit. And there he was. 6 seats down; without a care in the world.

I felt rage bubbling up from my stomach; spreading like a burning heat through my body.

But that was normal.

Then the thoughts came. The thoughts that would make me think I had finally snapped for months to come.

My fists clenched as I stared at his laughing face, my eyes narrowed into slits. And I wanted....

I wanted...

I saw myself look at the knife clenched in my hand, and then I was stabbing him. Over and over and over until his robes were stained with his blood.

My hands were red and dripping.

But I kept on doing it. Over and over and over. His body was riddled with holes and I watched as his blood splattered onto his face, the ground, the table, his friends, my clothes...

And I blinked, and he was staring at me, a confused expression on his face.

And I realised I was still sitting at the table, a clean knife clenched in my clean hands, and I was glaring at him.

I looked away abruptly, trying to blink away the imagination of his blood on my hands.

I stared at the table, and shuddered.

"Are you ok, Lil?" A voice broke through my terrible thoughts. I looked up, to see Katie watching me, concerned.

I nodded, shakily. And stood abruptly, flinging my bag over my shoulder. "I have to go" I forced the words through my lips hurriedly, and ran from the hall.

'I've gone insane' I thought as I ran through the castle.

-----------------------

That was the first of many.

The next came a week later.

It was a Quidditch match, Gryffindor against Slytherin; always a bloody match. He was flying gracefully through the air, as if it was his natural environment.

I was watching him, though I couldn't discern why.

He turned and grinned his lopsided grin at Remus, who was in the same row as me, before his eyes found me, and he winked.

'He thinks he's so cool, and smooth and...' My thoughts turned into a low snarl.

My fists clenched around the railings.

I picked up a broom in front of me, and I threw it like a javelin, and it hit him; straight through the eye.

Blood began to gush, and as if in slow motion, the broom started to topple downwards, his eye attached to it, leaving a gaping hole in his face.

It was almost comical, and I had to stop an insane giggle from erupting from my mouth.

And I blinked, and he was rushing towards the snitch, his face perfectly intact.

I put my head in my hands and attempted to breath normally; my breathing was coming out in long shaking breaths.

I felt my whole body trembling at the thought of what I had just imagined. 'There's something seriously wrong with me' I thought to myself.

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It was almost two months after the first incident, and the imaginings were increasing in frequency.

I was almost used to them.

I was sitting in class, paying close attention to the Professor, when I noticed him. Seated directly in front of me, surrounded by his 'giggling gaggle of girls' as I liked to call them.

He turned his head to grin at one of them, and I almost growled.

My hand reached out, and grabbed the back of his head; fingers caught tight in that untidy black hair. I pulled my hand, and his head, back... back... back... and then slammed it into his desk.

Again and again and again, until there was no discernible feature on his face, just blood red.

And I pulled his head back one last time...

And my lips were on his, my fingers in his hair...

A loud gasp erupted from my lips, as my eyes shot open. I hadn't even realised they'd closed.

The row in front of me turned, even him, confused by the sudden noise.

A shaky breath as I avoided every single one of their eyes and watch Professor Dumbledore once more.

A moment later they turned back to the front, and I was left to sort out my jumbled thoughts.

-----------------------

I was in the common room later that day, trying to get the thoughts of him out of my head.

Sitting in front of the fire, I collapsed into a heap on the couch and closed my eyes.

"Evans?" a voice drifted through the hazy fog of my mind.

It was a nice voice; the kind of voice I felt like I could just curl up next to, and never leave.

"Evans? Can you hear me?"

I wanted to lay there forever and listen to that voice.

"James" The word left my lips without any conscious thought about it in my head. When my brain registered what my mouth had done, my eyes shot open.

He was standing above me, his mouth open wide in shock.

It was... 'quite cute actually'. I shook that thought away.

"I... you...." he stopped, closed his eyes for a moment then continued, "I wanted to know if you are alright? You've been... acting.. weird all day."

A weak smile on my lips. "I'm fine" I said shortly.

"Lily?" his voice was almost pleading.

I felt hot tears spring to my eyes, and I couldn't understand. I couldn't understand what my stomach was doing, or the pain in my chest.

So I ran.

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But Katie intercepted me just outside the common room.

"What's going on Lily?"

A heavy sob forced itself out "I DON'T KNOW"

She took a deep breath, put a hand firmly on my back, and started directing me somewhere.

I let her.

Within minutes, she was sitting me down on a chair, and pulling one up for herself.

"Talk"

So I explained everything. The violent thoughts, the recent change in direction of these thoughts, everything.

She waited patiently throughout, never once interrupting.

"Have you told anyone else?" she asked when I finished.

I shook my head.

"Good" she replied, a smiling sweeping over her face. "They might think you're crazy"

I let out a small laugh. "Thanks. That makes me feel so much better"

She grinned and reached out to grab one of my hands.

She patted it softly and said "You're not. I know you're not"

A pause, then she looked at my piercingly.

"Do you have any idea of why it might be?" she asked, placing emphasis on the second word.

I shook my head. "You?"

She nodded. "But I think it's something you need to work out for yourself." A smirk, then "Plus, I don't want you to hurt me"

She laughed, stood up, said "I'm here if you need to talk" and walked to the door.

I realised we were in a classroom as she turned back to me at the door and asked "Coming?"

I nodded and we headed back to the common room in silence.

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I was walking to class.

Halfway there I came across his friends. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were all lingering in the hallway.

I looked around.

And there he was, talking to a pretty Ravenclaw girl, Marlene McKinnon.

Unexpectedly, rage bubbled through me.

I closed my eyes.

Then they snapped open and I punched him hard in the face.

I heard a sickening crunch as his nose broke.

But I punched him again, feeling the soft skin bruise underneath my knuckles. And again.

Then I shoved him against the wall.

And I kissed him so hard it was sure to leave a bruise, placing my hands on his muscular chest and pushing myself firmly against him.

One of my hands snaked around his shoulder to clutch tightly, desperately, into his hair.

My heart was racing.

"Lily?"

I blinked, turning quickly towards the voice.

It was Remus, looking at me concerned. "Are you alright?"

I bit my lip, shoving the thoughts to the back of my mind. "Yes, fine. Thanks for asking" I replied breathlessly.

He gave me a small smile. "Shall we go to class?"

I sent him an appreciative smile. "That would be wonderful" I replied, before we both turned and walked away towards Transfiguration.

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I left the classroom hurriedly, wanting to avoid everyone, particularly him.

I just wanted to be alone with my messed up thoughts.

I got 4 meters down the hall before someone shouted my name.

I pretended I hadn't noticed, but sped up ever so slightly.

Footsteps running down the hall behind me. I sighed, knowing I couldn't outrun him, and turned abruptly.

He skidded to a halt.

"Evans"

I didn't respond. He sighed, running his hand through that messy black hair.

"Lily?"

"Yes?" I answered curtly.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing" I replied as curtly as before.

He laughed. "You're such a bad liar! You've been acting weird for months"

I snapped, "It's none of your bloody business, Potter!"

He froze momentarily, then retorted "Merlin Evans! I'm just worried about you! No need to have a go at me!"

"Just leave me alone!" I shouted, feeling tears begin to well behind my eyes.

"Merlin Evans! Don't be such a bitch! I just want to help!"

I looked at him, shocked, a tear leaking out the corner of my eye.

Then, without thinking, I lifted a hand to slap his face.

He caught it before it even reached his face.

I stared at him, my hand poised, held in place by his, inches from his check.

And then I burst into tears.

A moment passed, with me sobbing hopelessly, hiccupping.

And then he swept me up into his arms; pulling me flush against his body (and it was just like I'd imagined), and rubbed my back with his hands, whispering words of encouragement into my ear.

But I didn't hear any of it.

I was sobbing, and I was sure I would leave a large wet stain on his robes, and I was embarrassed, but I never wanted him to let go.

After a few minutes he pulled away. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, with tenderness in his voice.

I shook my head, not looking up into his face.

"Why?" he asked, curiously.

"Because you'll hate me" I replied softly, without thinking of the answer.

And I realised it was true. And I didn't want him to hate me. I wanted...

I wanted...

I wanted him around forever.

I let out a sob as I realised that.

There was a moment of silence.

Then his hand reached out, cupped my chin to make me look at him and he whispered softly, clearly, "I doubt that there is anything you could say that would make me hate you."

"You can't know that" I replied strongly.

"Yes I can"

I bit my lip, and looked down at his chest.

My hands reached out and grabbed his shirt to pull him closer to me, and I stood with my head just below his chin and began to speak.

"I can't help but hate you" I started, my voice thick with emotion as the tears began again. I felt him tense under my hands at those words, but I kept going. "I see you in class, and lunch and... and I can't help but want to destroy your image in my head. Destroy the memory of your voice, your face... your touch" I leant in further, to rest my forehead on his shoulder. "But I see you... or I hear you... and what I really want is... for it to be forever." I closed my eyes, and snaked my arms around his waist. "You've made me love you so much that I can't help but hate you for it."

There was a pause, followed by a low chuckle which made his chest press against me more, "why would that make me hate you, Lily?" he asked, fighting to keep the laughter out of his voice.

I shrugged.

He turned his head to kiss my temple as he slid his arms around me once more. Then he let his lips linger there as he spoke. "Sometimes I hate you for making me love you, Lily. Sometimes I wish it were possible for me to forget about you. But it's never been within my power to forget about you. Because I'm yours. And I always have been. I've just been waiting for you to take me."

My heart fluttered, and I felt at home, safe and loved within his arms. "And I'm yours, James."

He smiled against my head. "Glad to hear it"

I gave a small laugh, and pulled my head back to look him in the eyes "James?"

"Yes, love?"

My heart fluttered again, "I'm glad I told you."

"So am I. So am I" he replied.


End file.
